Dragon and Unicorn: An Advice Column
Dear Dragon and Unicorn,
One of my friends is feeling a bit sick lately, and sometimes when my friend thinks I'm not looking, I can feel my friend's eyes staring at my head. Probably at my brain. I think my friend's turning into a zombie!
How would you best fight this, oh wise ones?
Sincerely,
My Best Friend is a Zombie
Dear My Best Friend is a Zombie,
Uh, run?
Thankfully, you probably don't have to run too fast, because zombies aren't exactly known for being Speedy Gonzalez. I mean, have you seen them? Bits of them falling off--a nose here, a toe there, oops! was that a foot?
Or, be as badass as Bucky Barnes and commandeer some poor sod's motorcycle.
But seriously, flee. If your friend really is turning into a zombie, there'll be no reasoning with her/him. Because the brain has rotted and is mush.
But, in case you don't take my advice and receive a little nip from your friend, stay away from me, yeah?
Sincerely,
Unicorn
Dear My Best Friend is a Zombie,
Destroy that mothertrucker now. You might miss your friend but you don't need a zombie for a friend anyway. Go for the brain.
Sincerely,
Don't have time for that mess Dragon
Dear Dragon and Unicorn,
If a three-year-old wizard gives you one of her toy wands, do you think it's got magic in it? And would you use it?
-Children Problems
Dear Children Problems,
Of course her toy wand has magic in it!
You could try using it, of course, but everyone knows that toy wands only work properly for children. Duh. Exercise caution, though. Wouldn't want to end up like this bloke, eh?
Or like this one:
Sincerely,
Unicorn
Dear Children Problems,
think it would have magic in it. However, I'm far more likely to freak out that somehow a three-year-old wizard is close enough to a freaking dragon to hand over a wand. Like what are you parents doing?!
Sincerely,
Keep your kids away from me Dragon
Dear Dragon and Unicorn,
Every day I'm always running late to the bus stop. And it always leaves without me! Do you know of a way I can keep this from happening?
All the best,
Always Late
Dear Always Late,
Invest in a time-turner? Or steal Hermione's. Then you can turn back the time so you're not late for the bus. Because you really don't want to be like these girls:
Or, better yet, learn how to apparate. Cut out the middle man...er, vehicle..., as it were. Then you don't need the bus anymore.
Sincerely,
Unicorn
Dear Always Late,
You're a witch/wizard. Buy a damn broom.
Sincerely,
Stop asking me silly questions Dragon
Dear Dragon and Unicorn,
Do you know what it means when someone says "Mooose" to you? I don't really speak moose. Or animal.
Sincerely,
What's A Moose
Dear What's A Moose,
These are moose:
I feel like this is another pop culture reference that I won't get, because I live in under a rock (i.e., in SebastianStanLand).
Sincerely,
Unicorn
Dear What's a Moose,
It all depends on where the Moose is from. If it's a North American Moose they are probably saying hello. If it's a European Moose they are probably insulting you. Also, did you know there is a metal band called Vampire Mooose? Maybe they are fans?
Sincerely,
Learning Random things Dragon
