How to prepare for an eminent zombie velociraptor apocalypse
In the event of a freak phenomenon, I like to be prepared. Or, well, I like to think that I will be prepared once my procrastination habit stops kicking in to let me think about survival. However, if we're being realistic, there's probably no chance I can survive a gigantic crashing rock if it headed for my backyard. But as for zombies and velociraptors? I can sure as heck try.
First of all, zombie survival is slightly different to velociraptor survival, but in keeping this column short, I will take some time to discuss the merits of preparing for both. That said, in any hypothetical survival situation--getting lost in an island filled with irate penguins, running zombies, or, worse, hyper-sensitive, clever velociraptors--it is always important to learn the basics.
The Do's and Don'ts of Velociraptor and Zombie Survival
- Enjoy the knowledge that everything may, can, and will go terribly wrong within the span of minutes. Trust me, knowing that it can get worse will help you in the long run. You can prepare for such calamities, to the point that should a zombie smash into your window during a freak hurricane, you have your backup boards, nails, and pet lion to protect and attack at will. Physical preparation aside, this can also mentally ready you for the things to come. No, it is not paranoia if you are looking behind you every so often to check for the presence of walking dead or bipedal carnivores. Call it constant vigilance, if you will, but believe me, you'll thank yourself later for being so overly attentive to your environment.
- Obtain an impregnable panic room, preferably stocked with necessities, with steel-plated walls and raptor-proof door. Hiding places are hard to come by, especially when the streets will undoubtedly be swarming with monsters. Turning a room into a safe haven could be essential to surviving a horde of brain-guzzlers and dromaeosaurids coming at you. If you don't already have a steel-enforced room, turn something into one, or, if you're on a budget, invest in a panic room closet. Just don't forget to stock the closet with necessities, in the case that you might end up living there for erm...a prolonged period of time. If you can get yourself a camera, even better, then you can scout the outside perimeter for when it is safe to step out. You are going to need some fresh air from time to time.
- Prepare yourself to run a full-length marathon and then-some. No, I do not mean a TV, movie, or game marathon. Enough zombie flicks have shown the importance of a good cardio workout and the ability to run. Take this suggestion seriously. Being able to outrun a zombie could save lives. Climbing a tree and keeping yourself above velociraptor reach could save lives. Moving from hiding place to hiding place saves lives. Note: Trying to outrun a velociraptor is a sure way of getting yourself eaten before you can spring the first two steps. It is best that you avoid getting close to a velociraptor in the first place. If all else fails, see the next suggestion below.
- Get used to carrying medieval weaponry with you, preferably one set of long-range and melee weapons, and a couple of daggers in your arsenal. In the event that you are face to face with a sole festering creature, it is always useful that you attack first. Offense is often the best defense, and since you're not really going to get much of an answer from a zombie or a velociraptor, there's no point asking it questions before hitting. Medieval weaponry works wonders here, because these things make much less noise than, say, a pistol. So if you happen to have a samurai sword (preferably made by Hattori Hanzo...) lying around in the house, then by all means, you're on your way to a great survival period. If nothing else, a baseball bat works.
- Get yourself in a situation where you are in close proximity to a velociraptor. You really don't want to know what happens when a velociraptor gets a hold of you.
- Get yourself bitten. You have one job against zombie hordes, and that's not to get infected. Being bitten is just the next step to non-survival.
- Get yourself in a shouting match between yourself and your party members. Sometimes, it might even be better to travel alone or with a close-knit group who understand the value of silence. Attracting attention to yourself through argument is like shooting a flare to indicate "HERE I AM" loudly to a zomlociraptor (yes, I really, really went there).
- Get stuck in one place with no means of escape. In the event that the undead and the carnivore make it inside your shelter/hiding place/panic room, it is best to hightail it out of there before you become nothing more than yesterday's news. Always have a backup plan.
Now that you've got some tips, good luck, and remember these important words of wisdom: There is no such thing as overpreparation.