Power Play: conquering the universe without breaking a sweat

May 2012 Prof. Cassandra Lobiesk

There. I've done it. I've said it. Don't deny it. You know you want it. And those who deny not wanting it are only lying to themselves.

It calls out to you like cake calls out to me. It's irresistible, and once you get it, you are hard-pressed to let it go. And sometimes, you cling onto it until somebody swoops in and prizes your conquest out of your grubby, adiposey fingers. But ah, such is life.

And such is power.

From prefect to Head Student to professor to Head of House, getting that desired-for position is no easy task. But again, I am using the word "easy" as a relative term. What if you knew the shortcuts to landing these positions just by gaining the proper information? Yes, forget the extra hours, the hard work, and the overall need to participate! I'm telling you that you can get power without giving in so much effort! All you really need is a checklist and the ability to process what I'm about to tell you, Young Grasshopper (I totally did not just Mr. Miyagi any of you...).

8 Useful Tips for Gaining Power and Keeping It

The Leck Effect
First and foremost, you are going to have to learn to lull the inferior beings just through the sound of your voice. Manipulation through speech is a tale as old as time, and there are a number of men and women who've gone pretty far just with this power alone. Without this persuasive ability, Don Draper wouldn't get very far in selling his clients what he wants to sell to them--it's definitely not all about his dashing good looks and penetrating green eyes, oh no. And what about Morgan Freeman, Claudia Black, or Benedict Cumberbatch? Do I really have to explain their powers of suggestion?

The Sovereign Declaration
This application is two-fold. First, it is very important that you immediately let the world know your aspirations. To declare yourself as a ruling force is the first step into making things come true. DO NOT, however, do this until you first surround yourself with powerful people. Once you've gathered your powerful troops (preferably, intelligent, and good-looking, but we can't all be that picky) and declared your place in the world as the Pirate King (or whatever), you're one step further into the right direction.

The Merovingian Skill
Learn a skill, like piloting a helicopter or Kung Fu. And yes, these are both strenuous activities, but they can all be as easily learned by plugging yourself into the Matrix. Become one with the multiverse and gain the title of Greatest Swordswoman of the World. Your online persona--whoever or whatever that is--will gain much from your influx of skills learned. I personally think learning to headshot a zombie is a great asset in your leadership repertoire (not to mention when the zombie apocalypse hits, you'll be one of the survivors who'll know what she's doing).

The Revenge of the Sith
The Force lies strong within you, Jedi. Okay, maybe being a Darth Vader is much more enticing than being a Luke Skywalker, but the ends are nearly not as fun as getting the means that bring you to wherever you're going. Mind control is kind of similar to the Leck Effect, in that it uses the sheer force of your mind (as opposed to voice) to indoctrinate the mongrels around you. A side effect is that people actually close their minds from you. If that's the case, there's nothing wrong with a good old-fashioned Force Choke to get what you want.

The Wildfire Phenomenon
Fire is a brilliant element. I'm not talking about starting them (although the threat of one could work to help you gain a victory). I'm more referring to the use of the element as a sort of starting point, a confident ("Fire is the best!") or some intimidating family motto ("Fire and Blood"). Or, even better, just make your emblem that of a dragon, just so you can strike fear into the hearts of your enemies. Alright, it doesn't have to be a dragon. Personally, one can do just as well with a red and gold lion or a fiery stallion.

The Kelewan Spider
This ties into the Sovereign Declaration in that this is the most important part of your posse. Without this position, you are nothing in the Great Scheme of Things. So listen carefully: you must employ yourself a spy, or Gossip Broker. Your Gossip Broker is essential to creating a gossip network that can reach the furthest reaches of your kingdom/country/IRC channel. Without the Gossip Broker, you will have difficulty obtaining the 4-1-1. And you will certainly be at a loss to what's hip and what's hangin'.

The Capitol Punishment
This is a different piece of information, because this deals with keeping control as opposed to taking it. But this is just as essential for maintaining your rule. In order to put the inferiors in their place, one should always be willing to sacrifice a couple of people in a battle royale. Right. Minos was not King of Crete because he was light on his vassals, oh no. He fed good-looking folk to the Minotaur. Likewise, how do you think the Roman emperors lasted so long? They entertained the common folk with gladiator battles to the death.

The Twilit Complex
If all else fails, there is always one way to persuade people that you're the right person for the job (whether this job be Queen, Prime Minister or President, Holy Egg Empress, you name it). And that's by using the reverse psychology of "sure, just promote [this guy], I'm sure [he/she/it] will do MUCH BETTER than I ever will!" This never fails, because [that guy] will always be the worst possible option you'll be giving to anyone. Just try not to find an option that's better than you, because then you'll have a problem in your hands.