Dragon and Unicorn: An Advice Column
Dear Dragon and Unicorn,
My pet hippogriff is about to have twins! She's so happy, but we do have a problem. We're not sure what to name the little bundles of joy. We're pretty sure the two new hippogriffs are going to be boys, but there is still the possibility that we'll have more females in our hippogriff hoard. Please advise on new names!
Sincerely,
Hippogriff Hoarder
Dear Hippogriff Hoarder,
Where do you even store all those hippogriffs?
Okay, names. For twin males...let's see. Buckbeak's already taken, so how about Swordbeak and Razorclaw? As for twin females: Glitterbeak and Sparkleclaw? Or you could switch them, because, you know, sexism is bad.
(I have no idea how to name hippogriffs.)
Sincerely,
Unicorn
Dear Hippogriff Hoarder,
For girls: Anna and Elsa
For boys: Anno and Elso
Solved!
Sincerely,
The Cold Never Bothered Me Anyway Dragon
Dear Dragon and Unicorn,
I have a destiny, but nobody believes me. It's like whenever I try to tell them that I'd be the new Ruler of Durmstrang, people just laugh. They said Durmstrang's highest title was headmaster, but goodness, they're wrong. So wrong. I'm going to be ruler one day. ONE DAY THEY WILL RUE IT.
So I guess my question is, how can I get them to believe me?
Manifest Destiny
Dear Manifest Destiny,
Um, you do remember what happened the last time someone got it in their heads to manifest their destiny, right? The Native Americans in North American were pretty much wiped out. As probably the purest creature in the world (unicorns and virgins, man), I feel obligated to tell you to find another destiny--something more peaceful (read: less psychotic tyrant), please.
Sincerely,
Unicorn
Dear Manifest Destiny,
Seeing as I tend to be more psychotic tyrant than my dear Unicorn friend, I say go for it!
Sincerely,
Psychotic Tyrant Dragon
My reaction when Unicorn mentions Jack Skellington:
Dear Dragon and Unicorn,
I think there's something in the back of my wardrobe. I'm not sure if it'll take me to Narnia or if there's something else hidden behind the coats. Something sinister. Do I open it?
Signed,
Scared To Death
Dear Scared to Death,
Little known fact, I'm actually a talking unicorn from Narnia, and I did in fact enter into your world through a wardrobe. A very large wardrobe. Narnia can be sinister, too, you know. Ever heard of the White Witch? Or the Calormenes? Or that other wicked witch, who lived in a mountain or under a mountain...? (Okay, I don't know where she lived; she was after my time.) Although I guess Narnia's not so bad, considering there are no evil wizards drinking the blood of my kin over there.
Open the door.
Or don't. Magic never works the same way twice, so you would definitely not end up in Narnia...
You could come face-to-face with this vampiric fellow.
Or with deranged Jack Nicholson.
Or with this super-romantic dude, crushing on his best friend's wife.
Or with the Pumpkin King in Halloween Town. He's your best bet, I think.
Sincerely,
Unicorn
Dear Scared To Death,
OPEN THE DAMN THING!
Best case: something magically wonderful happens and I get entertained by the results.
Worst case: something sinister happens to you and I get entertained by the results.
Middle case: it’s just a wardrobe and I send fire in your direction for failure to entertain.
Sincerely,
Bored At Your Expense Dragon
Dragon and Unicorn,
HIIII! Wanna be my friend?
Sincerely,
Newbie
Dear Newbie,
I'm flattered.
Really, I am.
But I am a unicorn, a solitary creature, and must therefore respectfully decline.
Sincerely,
Unicorn
Dear Newbie,
The position of friend has been filled by Unicorn. You can submit an application for the future or challenge Unicorn for the spot. However, I have to warn you that she is a total badass.
Sincerely,
Unicorn and Dragon BFF
P.S. from Unicorn: Precisely. When I'm not alone, cantering through enchanted forests and shining prettily in the moonlight, I'm with my fire-breathing BFF. We make a very effective team--I spear on my horn those who annoy us, while she roasts them.
